Urghle.

Sorry about taking so long to answer, there’s something about this place that’s so exhausting and busy that I feel like I can’t even force myself to do the things I need and want to do… I read an email and react to it, then don’t get around to responding for weeks. I just want to be able to wordlessly express, “Hey, I got your email, thanks for thinking of me, my attention span has been reduced to the size of a grape quickly shriveling into a raisin, FORGIVE ME and Russian grammar has affected my sentence structuressssss.”

So that. But I have been thinking about your question. What has most surprised me about Moscow? I was surprised by my own naïveté, my own expectations. I realized when I got here that I’m kind of like that Finnish guy in “Peculiarities of the National Hunt,” the one who dreams of seeing a “real Russian hunt.” I wanted to find
out that “the real Russia” was magical tsars building ships with their bare hands and women who look like matrioshka dolls. Or at least that I would feel as confident and secure and carefree as I did while I was at Middlebury. Instead I got tourist traps, short skirts, and babushki. (I’m going to have to get back to that point.) I realized just how romanticized my view of Russia was, and how little I knew about it на самом деле.

I realize that this has more to do with growing up and becoming an adult than it has to do with Moscow itself. But still, I’m here, this is what I’m experiencing, and Moscow is a factor.

Also, I’d never lived in a big city before. Moscow, with 15 million, is 1,000 times bigger than my hometown of Oxford, Mississippi. My university has 30,000 students. 9 million people use the Moscow metro daily. That’s 9 million people refusing to make eye contact with each other across the crowded train, every day. So what about Moscow surprises me that isn’t related to growing pains, or the problems of big cities?

1. the dirt. It’s so dirty here! The first month I was so paranoid about how just walking around made my hair feel gross and dirty that I wrapped it up in a scarf any time I was in the street, like an Orthodox lady. The sidewalks are slanty and pockmarked, I feel like I have to watch the ground while walking or face twisting an ankle.

2. the human element. I’ll try to explain this, but it’s a pretty murky concept from the depths of my brain, so here goes: Unlike in America, where we have perfect, machine-made workmanship surrounding us all the time, in Russia the government just hires workmen to paint curbs and therefore you can see the brushstrokes on the green-and-yellow manhole cover or the slightly crooked lines on the subway floors. It’s amazing how jarring normal human error is to me, I guess, but I was really struck by this practice.

3. the metro. I have no complaints, even though I sometimes have to perehod a lot of stations, that just means I’m walking, which is healthy, right? I love being able to get anywhere I need to go with my own two feet and an unlimited metro pass (I bought the 90-day, expensive but so so worth it.)

4. How there are gardens everywhere, but somehow it’s still grey. Moscow has the greatest area of green space per person for a large city, but it still feels grey and dry and sparse. I see trees in parks, but I think they should also be seen lining the streets.

5. the statues, the commitment to culture. Russians may have forgotten who some of their Soviet leaders were, but by god they have a statue for each and every one.

6. Finally, I’m surprised by how violently my attitude toward it shifts. Today I hate it just a little bit, but maybe already by tomorrow we’ll be in love again.

Another thing that I’ve learned (and this is more about life in general than maybe Moscow in particular) is that freedom, to me, isn’t just about having a lot of opportunities, but really it relies on my ability to feel secure and comfortable in a situation. Moscow is absolutely brimming with opportunities and possibilities and life, but I honestly feel a lot more free when I’m at home, where I can borrow a car and go on a late night drive out to the country if I need to, or at college, where I can stay up as late as I want to and walk
around securely late at night. Moscow doesn’t feel safe or comfortable to me, so I don’t feel as free, despite the variety of opportunities that surround me every day in this crazy, amazing, beautiful and most of all единственный city.